Boston Bacchanalia: Night #1
There were four primary speakers on Monday night when 99% of Americans were watching syndicated re-runs of Quincy. And as I predicted yesterday, they didn't waste any time in pitching the "positive, strong, values-drenched, John Kerry can walk on water if it's Perrier" "new tone" of this convention into the nearest Bush-head waste receptacle.
There was also quite a lot of overshadowing fun, like Teresa Zsa Zsa Gabor Heinz Kerry Pick-a-Number stopping just short of macing a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reporter who only wanted to find out what she meant when she called President Bush "unAmerican." Golly, what a funny lady. Turns out that back in the seventies, before anybody really knew she was a groupie for the rich and powerful, she referred to the Democrat party as "putrid" and Ted Kennedy in particular as "the perfect bastard." And tonight in her speech she promised that her Undead hubby will reverse global warming, among other things. Perhaps he'll erect a global umbrella over each magnetic pole or something. What needs to happen now is for her to ditch Lurch and hook up with Zell Miller; then the Green Acres analogy would be complete.
No synopsis of night number one at the "Spawn of Satan" convention (USA Today rooked themselves when they dumped the indominable Ms. Coulter) would be complete without a link to this photograph, which does kind of make Senator Kerry look like a "sperm" character in a Woody Allen movie. And they're trying to *avoid* repeating Michael Dukakis' mistakes? Besides, John Edwards looks that foolish even without riding around in a tank.But back to the speeches.
What did we learn from the oratory spat forth onto the Menshevik faithful? Well, let me rephrase that - what did we hear from the speakers, and at what depth was the spittle after the proceedings were concluded and the audience whipped back into their cages for the night?
Al Gore was basically the same rabid warthog he's been ever since he tried to overthrow the last election, only this time it appeared that they shot him with a tranquilizer dart. So instead of being maniacal to the brink of demon possession, his talk was "casual" and "wistful" instead. Which is to say, a self-pitying dirge of the sort that oftentimes revs a bitterender like Fat Albert right back up to the crazed raving from which he was just calmed down.
If Ralph Nader had burst onto the stage like John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre, Gore just might have gone berserk. Instead he not so subtley crapped on Nader instead, blaming him (for a change) for his 2000 defeat, and warning the woofers whom Kerry excites about as much as a VD film in health class not to vote with their hearts instead of their heads. Which is a little like the Schrodinger's cat paradox, actually, but that reference is probably too deep for this topic.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, he did say something nice about John Kerry. Something about him being "a man of his word." Heh.
Next came Jimmy Carter, whose presence was remarkable mostly in that the closest he's gotten to a Dem convention since the last one that renominated him has been the side of a milk carton. And the topic on which he was designated to speak? Why, national defense, of course! Yep, the same man who was humiliatingly defeated in the first campaign of the war with radical Islam a quarter of a century ago was charged with making the case for why George Bush - you know, the first POTUS to actually *engage* the Islamist enemy and its rogue state sponsors - is a foreign policy "failure" and why he should be replaced with John Kerry, the man who would take us back to the genuinely failed policies that left us wide open to mass attack three years ago.
Since this case cannot be reasonably made, and Mr. Peanut isn't Mr. Bill either, the Squire of Plains came across pretty much like he has ever since he was driven from office: mean, bitter, nasty, and breath-takingly self-righteous. All his applause lines were slashes at the President. He called Bush a draft-dodger, a liar, a warmonger, a war criminal. He blamed Dubya for the Middle East "peace process" - you know, the ongoing effort to finish what the Holocaust started - "coming to a screeching halt," even though it collapsed on Clinton's watch despite Israel being offered up as a ritual sacrifice to Yassir Arafat. He even got in a bit of history-revising legacy repair by claiming that America won the Cold War he actually nearly lost singlehandedly through "bipartisanism" and "concern for human rights." I guess he doesn't consider Iraqis to be "human." And he made the novel charge that Bush should have concentrated on North Korea instead of Iraq (that is, we should have *attacked a country armed with nuclear weapons*), since as we all know, they're only a bigger threat because Jimmy Carter helped make them one.
After Carter was dragged off the stage, he and Rosalynn sat down in the main FleetCenter luxury box next to...Michael Moore. Guess they must have reinforced the building over the weekend.
Did you see the DNC diva competition? What does it tell us about how Dems view femininity and, oh, I don’t know, aesthetic beauty when they make a blob like Senator Babs Milkulski the representative speaker instead of a telegenic babe like Michigan guv Jennifer Granholm? I mean, it’s the difference between Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West. I can just see the get-out-the-vote pitch: “Come here and vote for John Kerry, my pretty…..” {cackle cackle cackle}
Next was the next president of the United States...Hillary Clinton, who gave the delegates a sneak preview of her '08 stump speech. Yeah, she was supposed to introduce the last president of the United States, but it was all she could do to stand next to that hash-tooting lothario without jamming him in the nexus with a cattleprod.
Ah, Mr. Bill. Nothing like a vivid reminder of the eight-year nightmare we endured to make us so appreciate the ongoing fact that it finally, in the end, ended. Also nothing better to administer a reality check about what John Kerry is attempting to be in this campaign than a 5,000-watt-klieg-light-in-the-face, mugging, vamping, grinning, backslapping, hail-fellow-that-your-wife-boy-she's-got-nice-cans sack 'o crap reminder of what the real thing looks like, and why he makes the Boston Balker look like a department store mannequin. Really, after the Sick Willie tsunami surged through the FleetCenter, spinning the assembled into a dizzying, orgasmic miasma of hyperjoyous, mendacious chunk-blowing, what is there left for poor Thurston? He's like the pooper scooper at the end of the Tournament of Roses Parade. He's like the adult who wakes you up, hungover after your first frat party, and admonishes you that you're going to be late for Biology lab. He's like the Alka Seltzer you pop after getting carried away at an Azteca smorgasbord. He's like......well, I hope you get the idea.
One other observation I just can't help making: weren't Democrats outraged, just OUTRAGED, when one of the President's first TV ads showed a four-second pic of 9/11 ground zero? Well, they sure didn't similarly limit *their* "exploitation" of "Holy Tuesday" last night, in the form of a tearful bereavement from a relative of one of the victims - a Muslim woman from Sri Lanka who also happens to sit on the Dem platform committee. Meanwhile, there is neither hide nor hare of any indication or sign that this disloyal opposition is giving the slightest passing thought to investing a drop of skullsweat in the endeavor of determining how we might, just might, actually WIN this war if what George W. Bush has been doing isn't working - which it is.
I guess that's what John Kerry will fill us in on Thursday in his roughly 60,000 word speech. Call it unwitting performance art - libs believe pumping the air full of meaningless, empty, toothless diplobluster is a viable substitute for the use of decisive military force.
Or, put another way, to them a single cruise missile isn't worth a thousand words.
See why they think Mr. French is so valuable?
There was also quite a lot of overshadowing fun, like Teresa Zsa Zsa Gabor Heinz Kerry Pick-a-Number stopping just short of macing a Pittsburgh Post-Gazette reporter who only wanted to find out what she meant when she called President Bush "unAmerican." Golly, what a funny lady. Turns out that back in the seventies, before anybody really knew she was a groupie for the rich and powerful, she referred to the Democrat party as "putrid" and Ted Kennedy in particular as "the perfect bastard." And tonight in her speech she promised that her Undead hubby will reverse global warming, among other things. Perhaps he'll erect a global umbrella over each magnetic pole or something. What needs to happen now is for her to ditch Lurch and hook up with Zell Miller; then the Green Acres analogy would be complete.
No synopsis of night number one at the "Spawn of Satan" convention (USA Today rooked themselves when they dumped the indominable Ms. Coulter) would be complete without a link to this photograph, which does kind of make Senator Kerry look like a "sperm" character in a Woody Allen movie. And they're trying to *avoid* repeating Michael Dukakis' mistakes? Besides, John Edwards looks that foolish even without riding around in a tank.But back to the speeches.
What did we learn from the oratory spat forth onto the Menshevik faithful? Well, let me rephrase that - what did we hear from the speakers, and at what depth was the spittle after the proceedings were concluded and the audience whipped back into their cages for the night?
Al Gore was basically the same rabid warthog he's been ever since he tried to overthrow the last election, only this time it appeared that they shot him with a tranquilizer dart. So instead of being maniacal to the brink of demon possession, his talk was "casual" and "wistful" instead. Which is to say, a self-pitying dirge of the sort that oftentimes revs a bitterender like Fat Albert right back up to the crazed raving from which he was just calmed down.
If Ralph Nader had burst onto the stage like John Wilkes Booth at Ford's Theatre, Gore just might have gone berserk. Instead he not so subtley crapped on Nader instead, blaming him (for a change) for his 2000 defeat, and warning the woofers whom Kerry excites about as much as a VD film in health class not to vote with their hearts instead of their heads. Which is a little like the Schrodinger's cat paradox, actually, but that reference is probably too deep for this topic.
Oh, yeah, I almost forgot, he did say something nice about John Kerry. Something about him being "a man of his word." Heh.
Next came Jimmy Carter, whose presence was remarkable mostly in that the closest he's gotten to a Dem convention since the last one that renominated him has been the side of a milk carton. And the topic on which he was designated to speak? Why, national defense, of course! Yep, the same man who was humiliatingly defeated in the first campaign of the war with radical Islam a quarter of a century ago was charged with making the case for why George Bush - you know, the first POTUS to actually *engage* the Islamist enemy and its rogue state sponsors - is a foreign policy "failure" and why he should be replaced with John Kerry, the man who would take us back to the genuinely failed policies that left us wide open to mass attack three years ago.
Since this case cannot be reasonably made, and Mr. Peanut isn't Mr. Bill either, the Squire of Plains came across pretty much like he has ever since he was driven from office: mean, bitter, nasty, and breath-takingly self-righteous. All his applause lines were slashes at the President. He called Bush a draft-dodger, a liar, a warmonger, a war criminal. He blamed Dubya for the Middle East "peace process" - you know, the ongoing effort to finish what the Holocaust started - "coming to a screeching halt," even though it collapsed on Clinton's watch despite Israel being offered up as a ritual sacrifice to Yassir Arafat. He even got in a bit of history-revising legacy repair by claiming that America won the Cold War he actually nearly lost singlehandedly through "bipartisanism" and "concern for human rights." I guess he doesn't consider Iraqis to be "human." And he made the novel charge that Bush should have concentrated on North Korea instead of Iraq (that is, we should have *attacked a country armed with nuclear weapons*), since as we all know, they're only a bigger threat because Jimmy Carter helped make them one.
After Carter was dragged off the stage, he and Rosalynn sat down in the main FleetCenter luxury box next to...Michael Moore. Guess they must have reinforced the building over the weekend.
Did you see the DNC diva competition? What does it tell us about how Dems view femininity and, oh, I don’t know, aesthetic beauty when they make a blob like Senator Babs Milkulski the representative speaker instead of a telegenic babe like Michigan guv Jennifer Granholm? I mean, it’s the difference between Dorothy and the Wicked Witch of the West. I can just see the get-out-the-vote pitch: “Come here and vote for John Kerry, my pretty…..” {cackle cackle cackle}
Next was the next president of the United States...Hillary Clinton, who gave the delegates a sneak preview of her '08 stump speech. Yeah, she was supposed to introduce the last president of the United States, but it was all she could do to stand next to that hash-tooting lothario without jamming him in the nexus with a cattleprod.
Ah, Mr. Bill. Nothing like a vivid reminder of the eight-year nightmare we endured to make us so appreciate the ongoing fact that it finally, in the end, ended. Also nothing better to administer a reality check about what John Kerry is attempting to be in this campaign than a 5,000-watt-klieg-light-in-the-face, mugging, vamping, grinning, backslapping, hail-fellow-that-your-wife-boy-she's-got-nice-cans sack 'o crap reminder of what the real thing looks like, and why he makes the Boston Balker look like a department store mannequin. Really, after the Sick Willie tsunami surged through the FleetCenter, spinning the assembled into a dizzying, orgasmic miasma of hyperjoyous, mendacious chunk-blowing, what is there left for poor Thurston? He's like the pooper scooper at the end of the Tournament of Roses Parade. He's like the adult who wakes you up, hungover after your first frat party, and admonishes you that you're going to be late for Biology lab. He's like the Alka Seltzer you pop after getting carried away at an Azteca smorgasbord. He's like......well, I hope you get the idea.
One other observation I just can't help making: weren't Democrats outraged, just OUTRAGED, when one of the President's first TV ads showed a four-second pic of 9/11 ground zero? Well, they sure didn't similarly limit *their* "exploitation" of "Holy Tuesday" last night, in the form of a tearful bereavement from a relative of one of the victims - a Muslim woman from Sri Lanka who also happens to sit on the Dem platform committee. Meanwhile, there is neither hide nor hare of any indication or sign that this disloyal opposition is giving the slightest passing thought to investing a drop of skullsweat in the endeavor of determining how we might, just might, actually WIN this war if what George W. Bush has been doing isn't working - which it is.
I guess that's what John Kerry will fill us in on Thursday in his roughly 60,000 word speech. Call it unwitting performance art - libs believe pumping the air full of meaningless, empty, toothless diplobluster is a viable substitute for the use of decisive military force.
Or, put another way, to them a single cruise missile isn't worth a thousand words.
See why they think Mr. French is so valuable?
posted by JASmius at 10:26 PM
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