Pepsi Gives America the Finger

I surfed right by this post on Powerline the other day, largely because, in all honesty, my eyes glaze over at the unending moldy stream of America-bashing rhetoric that spews forth on college campuses across the country on a daily basis. Most times I figure I served my time as an academic acolyte, blessedly cloistered in the College of Business & Economics at Washington State University but still mindful of the ideologically hostile territory in which I was matriculating (during the mid-80s, when kicking South Africa to death with the cause celebe).

However, now that a blogswarm has erupted over the puerile Mooreism of PepsiCo's President/COO Indra Nooyi's commencement address at the Columbia Business School this past Sunday, I might as well stick my oar in the froth.

What interests me is not the overall anti-nationalistic loathing that characterized it, but her tasteless middle finger metaphor and the slippery way she's trying to spin her way out of it via a patently phony apology, a PR tactic with which we're all too familiar.

Here's the metaphor:

This analogy of the five fingers as the five major continents leaves the long, middle finger for North America, and, in particular, The United States. As the longest of the fingers, it really stands out. The middle finger anchors every function that the hand performs and is the key to all of the fingers working together efficiently and effectively. This is a really good thing, and has given the U.S. a leg-up in global business since the end of World War I.

However, if used inappropriately – just like the U.S. itself - the middle finger can convey a negative message and get us in trouble. You know what I’m talking about. In fact, I suspect you’re hoping that I’ll demonstrate what I mean. And trust me, I’m not looking for volunteers to model.

Discretion being the better part of valor...I think I’ll pass.

What is most crucial to my analogy of the five fingers as the five major continents, is that each of us in the U.S. – the long middle finger – must be careful that when we extend our arm in either a business or political sense, we take pains to assure we are giving a hand...not the finger. Sometimes this is very difficult. Because the U.S. – the middle finger – sticks out so much, we can send the wrong message unintentionally.

Unfortunately, I think this is how the rest of the world looks at the U.S. right now. Not as part of the hand – giving strength and purpose to the rest of the fingers – but, instead, scratching our nose and sending a far different signal. [my emphases]

There are three passages I've emphasized in this quote. In the first, Ms. Nooyi removes all doubt about what she really means by the middle finger metaphor. In the second she removes all doubt about what she thinks about her own country by equating it to the middle finger. And in the third she removes all doubt about what she thinks we should do about that alleged state of affairs (i.e. prostrate ourselves kissing the "world's" ass).

Unfortunately for Ms. Nooyi, quite a few people got pissed off at her ill-considered remarks, and in this day and age that sort of thing can spread at the speed of light. The guys at Powerline got wind of it, it spread throughout the blogsophere from there, and now the "blogfather" Hugh Hewitt has made the blogswarm official.

And now Ms. Nooyi is pretending to apologize, a gesture of such transparent spin as to be almost more insulting than her original speech.

The point of my analogy was to emphasize America’s leadership position. Equally critical is the need for each of us as citizens to take a constructive role in whatever we choose to do in life to ensure the U.S. continues as the world’s 'helping hand.'

Unfortunately, my remarks at Columbia University were misconstrued and depicted in a different context as unpatriotic. Although nothing could be further from the truth, I regret any confusion or concern that I may have inadvertently created.

God, I'm so tired of this crap. Indra, if you're going to apologize, cut out all the "I was taken out of context/'You're attacking my patriotism'" hocus-pocus. The Dixie Chicks tried this two full years ago, and it didn't save them; hell, John Kerry tried it repeatedly last year, and it didn't get him elected president. Why not just admit that you shat out your mouth, scoop it up into a plastic bag, properly dispose of the mess, and quietly and humbly move on. Or defiantly reiterate your classless Ameriphobic rant with unapologetic boldness. But for pity's sake, don't try to weasel your way out of it. As the old saying goes, "It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt."

We were taught early on in Business Law that any employee of a company is acting as it agent within the scope of his/her employment. How much more so a top executive, and even more the #2 of an international conglomerate like PepsiCo. When that #2 poops her pants so publicly, she's pooping on the Pepsi brand right along with it. That's something Pepsi's CEO and board of directors might want to be considering right now as they decide what disposition to make of Ms. Nooyi and her big, fat mouth, as well as reexamining their own judgment in elevating someone so evidently lacking in that same commodity. Because until they do something concrete to assuage this burgeoning public backlash, it's PepsiCo that's going to be getting the middle finger "used inappropriately."

UPDATE: The apology count is now 0 and 2:

Thank you again for contacting us about Indra Nooyi's recent commencement speech at Columbia University, which has created a difficult situation.

Overriding everything else, please know how sorry we are for disappointing you - and how much we appreciate your input. Feedback such as yours has been shared directly with Indra, and she clearly regrets the reaction that this unfortunate episode has caused. With that in mind, Indra has asked us to share this statement with you:

Hmmm, that's interesting; why couldn't she "share this statement" with "us" directly? Why go through an ombudsman?

"Following my remarks to the graduating class of Columbia University's Business School in New York City, I have come to realize that my words and examples about America unintentionally depicted our country negatively and hurt people. I appreciate the honest comments that have been shared with me since then, and am deeply sorry for offending anyone. I love America unshakably - without hesitation - and am extremely grateful for the opportunities and support our great nation has always provided me.

"Over the years I've witnessed and advised others how a thoughtless gesture or comment can hurt good, caring people. Regrettably, I've proven my own point. I made a mistake and, again, I'm very sorry."

Buffalo bagels, Ms. Nooyi. You knew exactly what you were saying when you "depicted our country negatively." Otherwise you wouldn't have joked about "demonstrating what you mean" by extending a middle finger. This is why your pose of astonished innocence that anybody could have been offended by such a coarse denunciation of the country that is the most just, benevolent, and generous in the history of the planet is not being taken seriously, and obviously why you felt the need to tack on the addendum to the first draft of your "apology."

You didn't "make a mistake." You said what you really believe. And the only thing you're "sorry" about is getting caught.

If you now "love America unshakeably," perhaps you can substantiate this repentence by prostrating yourself before her populace at least as publicly as you demanded America do to the rest of the world four days ago.

Or else tender your immediate resignation.

I'll leave to your imagination what's the likely "choice of the blog generation."