Saving Earth, One Square At A Time
I was doing a little reading up yesterday on pantheistic solipsism. Why, I'm not quite sure, other than, perhaps, that I somehow foreknew that I was going to be writing this post the following morning and needed an attention-grabbing opening graf. I hope it worked, because reading up on pantheistic solipsism is about as exciting as it sounds.
These two broads, however - I'm sorry, Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, whose scientific backgrounds are unparalleled in their scarcity - not only animate the concept, but make it cramp-inducingly hilarious:
What a dazzlingly arranged array of illogic. How did she manage to pull that off? Let's take a look at this one step at a time.
1) "I do believe in fact and science." That's supposed to establish a contextual baseline, I suppose.
2) "The world has complete consensus on this." Leaving aside that this is a rank exaggeration (rather reminiscent of the woman who said, after the 1972 presidential election, "How could Nixon have won? Nobody I know voted for him...."), "consensus" is not the same thing as "proven fact." It's a semantical dodge meant to bamboozle the reader into thinking that David's argument is proven when in fact it is not, but rather just being made by a whole lot of ignorant extremists.
3) "The debate is over." Who ever said liberals didn't believe in pre-emption? Particularly of debates they cannot win on the merits. Don't believe me? Take a look at the punchline:
4) "There's now more CO2 in the atmosphere than [in] the last 650,000 years." Leave aside for now that there is ample scientific evidence that our planet is not nearly that old. From what orifice did Laurie David pull this number? What's her citation? How does she know how much carbon dioxide was in the atmosphere in the mid-Pleistocene epoch? And how does she know that it had a detrimental affect on the global climate?
Maybe they're trying to stifle the debate by inducing such apocalyptic levels of mirth in their opponents that we won't be able to draw enough breath, or composure, to rebut them. Case in point: a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to sit through a TV airing of The Day After Tomorrow, the global warming crowd's cinematic manifesto (or at least until An Inconvenient Truth came along). Now understand that TDAT was supposed to be a drama, a plausible, real-life disaster epoch that not only could happen, but will if we don't bow to the demands of broads like David and Crow and revert to Stone Age levels of civilization. I was actually half-way entertained, in a "science fantasy" sort of way, until the scene where the Super-Duper-Mega-Storm fired its Super-Duper-Freeze-Ray at those two British helicopters and swatted them from the sky, the pilots reduced to living ice cream bars. By the time I managed to stop laughing, the picture had gone to a commercial break.
Oh, it got even funnier later on when the Super-Duper-Freeze-Ray targeted Manhatten and was actually chasing Dennis Quaid and his friends through the basement of a New York public library (where, fittingly, the bunch of libs were burning books to stay warm. They probably raided a nearby church and scooped up all the hymnals and bibles; I was too doubled over in hysterics to pay attention). If the camera had panned up through the eye of the Super-Duper-Mega-Storm, I'll betcha Mr. Freeze was behind a curtain like the wizard of Oz, finally exacting his revenge upon Gotham City and the world, just like he promised.
Hope you've had a chance to recover, because the two broads' latest missive is even sillier:
Follow the link, my dear readers. To borrow Dave Barry's catch-phrase, "I swear I'm not making this up."
What would this legislation be called? The Old Montgomery Ward Catalog & Recycled Corncob Act? The Hold It Until Your Eyeballs Turn Brown Act? The Catheter, Colostomy Bag & Cork Act? How would it be enforced? Would their be cops in every publicly-accessed rest room? Would police be empowered to conduct potty raids in private homes? Can a person be frog-marched with his pants around his ankles? 'Tis a pity the posses never caught up to Bill Clinton in time to find out, huh?
Continuing....
That's a frightening thought.
This, however, is not the funniest part. Wanna know what was? Let's let El Rushbo take it home:
No doubt. But consider David's and Crow's indignation for a moment: here are two empty-headed, left-wing, Hollywood crazoids, the glitzed up Belfry Sisters, peddling stupidity about 650,000-year-old carbon dioxide and wiping our asses with our hands, marching up to Karl f'ing Rove, the President's right-hand man, and demanding to be seriously listened to by a man who knows that (1) they hate his guts and wouldn't believe his sincerity if he did give them attentive ear service, and (2) they don't have three brain cells to rub together between them.
Get a load of their outrage:
There it is. The classic arrogance of the American Left, fueling the self-righteous mob mentality that they pass off as "consensus." Well, little ladies, there's also overpowering consensus in the world that Jesus is the Christ and is coming back someday soon to wipe the face of the planet with the dead bodies of people like you if you don't repent of your sins now, before it's too late. The thing our two respective viewpoints have in common is that they're both religious. Where they differ is that (1) we're not trying to politically impose Christianity on you pagans, and (2) our viewpoint will actually be fulfilled.
I'd invite you lovely ladies to the bathroom with me to serve as my personal bidets, but I just purchased several pallets of bathroom tissue (with the perforations three feet apart, just in case) and two vats of chili. I really don't think even you two could keep up with that.
UPDATE: Now Ms. Crow says the one-square of toilet paper idea was "just a joke." And just as I was finally managing to break down my monster turds into appropriately sized pellets, too. NOW what am I going to to with my new-founded, hard-earned anal dexterity?
I know! I'll pull down my pants, stick a cigar up my ass, and perform as "Whoomphrumph, the insult comic colon"! I'll go on all the talk shows, then start touring Vegas! Hey, maybe I can become Crow's and Laurie David's opening act!
Hey, I'll never be bigger jokes than those two broads. But aim high, I always say. Just be careful not to leave any of it on ya, or Whoomphrumph will have a whole lotta competition.
These two broads, however - I'm sorry, Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, whose scientific backgrounds are unparalleled in their scarcity - not only animate the concept, but make it cramp-inducingly hilarious:
Tuesday [April 10th] on CNBC, the anchor, Joe Kiernan was interviewing Laurie David. She's on this bus tour with Sheryl Crow to try to convince people of global warming and to change their lifestyles and so forth. And here is what Laurie David said about CO2 in the atmosphere.
DAVID: I do believe in fact and science. I mean this is - you know, this again, isn't my opinion, and the world has complete consensus on this. The debate is over. Let me just say this, okay? There's now more CO2 in the atmosphere than the last 650,000 years. Now, just basic common sense says that cannot be a good thing. 2006 was the warmest year on record, and they're saying 2007's going to be worse. Something is happening, and we need to start acting. We really need to put the debate behind us.
What a dazzlingly arranged array of illogic. How did she manage to pull that off? Let's take a look at this one step at a time.
1) "I do believe in fact and science." That's supposed to establish a contextual baseline, I suppose.
2) "The world has complete consensus on this." Leaving aside that this is a rank exaggeration (rather reminiscent of the woman who said, after the 1972 presidential election, "How could Nixon have won? Nobody I know voted for him...."), "consensus" is not the same thing as "proven fact." It's a semantical dodge meant to bamboozle the reader into thinking that David's argument is proven when in fact it is not, but rather just being made by a whole lot of ignorant extremists.
3) "The debate is over." Who ever said liberals didn't believe in pre-emption? Particularly of debates they cannot win on the merits. Don't believe me? Take a look at the punchline:
4) "There's now more CO2 in the atmosphere than [in] the last 650,000 years." Leave aside for now that there is ample scientific evidence that our planet is not nearly that old. From what orifice did Laurie David pull this number? What's her citation? How does she know how much carbon dioxide was in the atmosphere in the mid-Pleistocene epoch? And how does she know that it had a detrimental affect on the global climate?
Maybe they're trying to stifle the debate by inducing such apocalyptic levels of mirth in their opponents that we won't be able to draw enough breath, or composure, to rebut them. Case in point: a few weeks ago I had the opportunity to sit through a TV airing of The Day After Tomorrow, the global warming crowd's cinematic manifesto (or at least until An Inconvenient Truth came along). Now understand that TDAT was supposed to be a drama, a plausible, real-life disaster epoch that not only could happen, but will if we don't bow to the demands of broads like David and Crow and revert to Stone Age levels of civilization. I was actually half-way entertained, in a "science fantasy" sort of way, until the scene where the Super-Duper-Mega-Storm fired its Super-Duper-Freeze-Ray at those two British helicopters and swatted them from the sky, the pilots reduced to living ice cream bars. By the time I managed to stop laughing, the picture had gone to a commercial break.
Oh, it got even funnier later on when the Super-Duper-Freeze-Ray targeted Manhatten and was actually chasing Dennis Quaid and his friends through the basement of a New York public library (where, fittingly, the bunch of libs were burning books to stay warm. They probably raided a nearby church and scooped up all the hymnals and bibles; I was too doubled over in hysterics to pay attention). If the camera had panned up through the eye of the Super-Duper-Mega-Storm, I'll betcha Mr. Freeze was behind a curtain like the wizard of Oz, finally exacting his revenge upon Gotham City and the world, just like he promised.
Hope you've had a chance to recover, because the two broads' latest missive is even sillier:
Singer Sheryl Crow has said a ban on using too much toilet paper should be introduced to help the environment.
Crow has suggested using "only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where two to three could be required"....
Follow the link, my dear readers. To borrow Dave Barry's catch-phrase, "I swear I'm not making this up."
What would this legislation be called? The Old Montgomery Ward Catalog & Recycled Corncob Act? The Hold It Until Your Eyeballs Turn Brown Act? The Catheter, Colostomy Bag & Cork Act? How would it be enforced? Would their be cops in every publicly-accessed rest room? Would police be empowered to conduct potty raids in private homes? Can a person be frog-marched with his pants around his ankles? 'Tis a pity the posses never caught up to Bill Clinton in time to find out, huh?
Continuing....
"I have spent the better part of this tour trying to come up with easy ways for us all to become a part of the solution to global warming," Crow wrote. "Although my ideas are in the earliest stages of development, they are, in my mind, worth investigating."
That's a frightening thought.
"I propose a limitation be put on how many squares of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting."Do you want to employ the phrase "shit for brains" somehow? I'm trying manfully to resist, but I'm weakening.
Crow has also commented on her website about how she thinks paper napkins "represent the height of wastefulness".And then it can be used to wipe his or her ass later on. Clever!
She has designed a clothing line with what she calls a "dining sleeve".
The sleeve is detachable and can be replaced with another "dining sleeve" after the diner has used it to wipe his or her mouth.
This, however, is not the funniest part. Wanna know what was? Let's let El Rushbo take it home:
Saturday night at the White House Correspondents Dinner, Karl Rove was sitting near the dais in a table with executives from the New York Times and reporters. They invited Karl Rove as their guest....[and] they had a couple of amateurs in there, Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, who made a beeline for Rove's table, which was numbered 92.
Laurie David said, "I am floored by what I just experienced with Karl Rove. I went over to him. I said, 'I urge you to take a new look at global warming.' He went zero to a hundred with me. I never had anybody be so rude.'" Rove's version was, 'She came over to insult me and she succeeded.'"
No doubt. But consider David's and Crow's indignation for a moment: here are two empty-headed, left-wing, Hollywood crazoids, the glitzed up Belfry Sisters, peddling stupidity about 650,000-year-old carbon dioxide and wiping our asses with our hands, marching up to Karl f'ing Rove, the President's right-hand man, and demanding to be seriously listened to by a man who knows that (1) they hate his guts and wouldn't believe his sincerity if he did give them attentive ear service, and (2) they don't have three brain cells to rub together between them.
Get a load of their outrage:
Things got so hot that Sheryl Crow had to bulge in to diffuse the situation, and she got into it with Rove herself. "'You work for me,' she told Rove. 'No,' was his response, 'I work for the American people,' and they came back with, 'We are the American people.'" [emphasis added]
There it is. The classic arrogance of the American Left, fueling the self-righteous mob mentality that they pass off as "consensus." Well, little ladies, there's also overpowering consensus in the world that Jesus is the Christ and is coming back someday soon to wipe the face of the planet with the dead bodies of people like you if you don't repent of your sins now, before it's too late. The thing our two respective viewpoints have in common is that they're both religious. Where they differ is that (1) we're not trying to politically impose Christianity on you pagans, and (2) our viewpoint will actually be fulfilled.
I'd invite you lovely ladies to the bathroom with me to serve as my personal bidets, but I just purchased several pallets of bathroom tissue (with the perforations three feet apart, just in case) and two vats of chili. I really don't think even you two could keep up with that.
UPDATE: Now Ms. Crow says the one-square of toilet paper idea was "just a joke." And just as I was finally managing to break down my monster turds into appropriately sized pellets, too. NOW what am I going to to with my new-founded, hard-earned anal dexterity?
I know! I'll pull down my pants, stick a cigar up my ass, and perform as "Whoomphrumph, the insult comic colon"! I'll go on all the talk shows, then start touring Vegas! Hey, maybe I can become Crow's and Laurie David's opening act!
Hey, I'll never be bigger jokes than those two broads. But aim high, I always say. Just be careful not to leave any of it on ya, or Whoomphrumph will have a whole lotta competition.
posted by JASmius at 8:22 AM
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