Tuesday, July 31, 2007

A Moment On The Bench

The Democrats in the Senate have for months been blatantly obstructing the nomination of Judge Leslie Southwick to the Fifth Circuit Court of Appeals on the infuriatingly false, slanderous grounds that he's a "racist" (i.e. he's not a card-carrying incense-burner at the Nation of Islam) and "homophobe" (i.e. he isn't a homosexual). But those smears are no longer necessary now that Stuart Taylor at National Journal has uncovered a bona fide deep, dark secret that the Donks can use to flush Judge Southwick's appointment once and for all:

Southwick "wears a distinctive badge of courageous service to his country." He joined the Army Reserve in 1992, at age 42, and volunteered in 2003 to transfer into a Mississippi National Guard combat unit that would soon be sent overseas. He was on active duty in Iraq (and on leave from his judgeship) from August 2004 to January 2006.
A-HA! Why defame Judge Southwick as a multi-hued bigot when you can smear him as a sociopathic, torture-loving mass-murderer who laughs at IED victims to their faces? Why, he'd never strip the President of all his constitutional war-making powers if given half a chance!

Can't have any more of THAT ilk on the federal bench, can we? (Do I have a crack at getting hired as Chucky Schumer's speechwriter or what?)

Or maybe I don't, because I could never tunnel this deep into the bowels of depravity, even for parody:

Chief Justice John Roberts has died in his summer home in Maine. No, not really, but we know you have your fingers crossed.

When I saw the story last night that the CJ had suffered a seizure, gleeful bile like that was the second thing I thought of, after praying for Roberts that he hadn't fallen seriously ill.

The third thing that crossed my mind was that the American people restored creatures like the ones at Wonkette.com to power last November, and most likely will finish the job fifteen months from now.

"America, what a country!"