Maternal Wisdom

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE:

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC:

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER:

"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:

"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY:

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:

"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING:

"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP:

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR:

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT:

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS:

"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS"

"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM:

"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE:

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you"

And Mom was right. Just make sure she never finds out.

[h/t: Uncle]