2029 Headlines
Why should John O'Sullivan get to have all the futurist fun?
~ ~ ~
***Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California
***White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
***Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
***Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
***Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
***Last remaining Fundamentalist Christian dies in the Hillary Clinton Memorial Alaska Gulag.
***New York City still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
***France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
***Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
***George Z. Bush says he will run for president in 2036.
***Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
***85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
***Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
***Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
***Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
***Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
***Ted Kennedy announces bid for re-election to an eleventh full term in the U.S. Senate. The 98-year-old senior senator from Massachusetts is desperate to attain his goal of becoming President Pro Tempore of the Senate so he can claim to have been within at least three heartbeats of the presidency. That dream remains out of reach, however, as that post is still held by 112-year-old, twelve-term Democrat Senator Robert K.K.K. Byrd of West Virginia. Said Kennedy as he was being wheeled off the dais, "The old baaahstaahd won't die! I'm telling you, he's Palpatine! Get me a light sabaaah and I'll prove it!"
***Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
***New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
***Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. The next day President Chelsea Clinton issues a blanket pardon to her entire family.
***IRS sets lowest tax rate at 750%.
***The last Republican is euthanized. Having nobody left on whom to blame the permanent economic depression brought about by the simultaneous collapse of Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, the unfunded government pension system, and the resulting government default on the quadrillion dollar national debt, Democrats enact a new federal cloning program to repopulate the species.
***Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
***Another backroom "comprehensive immigration reform" bill is exposed being snuck through the U.S. Senate. Democrats immediately move to squash what they call an "amnesty" on the grounds that enough Americans have fled to Canada and Mexifornia already. Said Senate Unanimity Leader Keith Ellison, "No American can flee the will of Allah. Sharia is universal, and so is the example of the city formerly known as New York."
The infidel bill, sponsored by some defective Republican clones, was tabled, and the Republican clone senators themselves immediately beheaded on C-SPAN PPV.
~ ~ ~
See? Toldja it'd be fun.
Reality will be worse.
[h/t: Uncle]
~ ~ ~
***Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California
***White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
***Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
***Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
***Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
***Last remaining Fundamentalist Christian dies in the Hillary Clinton Memorial Alaska Gulag.
***New York City still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
***France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
***Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
***George Z. Bush says he will run for president in 2036.
***Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
***85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and exercise is the key to weight loss.
***Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
***Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
***Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
***Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.
***Ted Kennedy announces bid for re-election to an eleventh full term in the U.S. Senate. The 98-year-old senior senator from Massachusetts is desperate to attain his goal of becoming President Pro Tempore of the Senate so he can claim to have been within at least three heartbeats of the presidency. That dream remains out of reach, however, as that post is still held by 112-year-old, twelve-term Democrat Senator Robert K.K.K. Byrd of West Virginia. Said Kennedy as he was being wheeled off the dais, "The old baaahstaahd won't die! I'm telling you, he's Palpatine! Get me a light sabaaah and I'll prove it!"
***Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.
***New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
***Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts. The next day President Chelsea Clinton issues a blanket pardon to her entire family.
***IRS sets lowest tax rate at 750%.
***The last Republican is euthanized. Having nobody left on whom to blame the permanent economic depression brought about by the simultaneous collapse of Social Security, Medicare, Medicaid, the unfunded government pension system, and the resulting government default on the quadrillion dollar national debt, Democrats enact a new federal cloning program to repopulate the species.
***Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.
***Another backroom "comprehensive immigration reform" bill is exposed being snuck through the U.S. Senate. Democrats immediately move to squash what they call an "amnesty" on the grounds that enough Americans have fled to Canada and Mexifornia already. Said Senate Unanimity Leader Keith Ellison, "No American can flee the will of Allah. Sharia is universal, and so is the example of the city formerly known as New York."
The infidel bill, sponsored by some defective Republican clones, was tabled, and the Republican clone senators themselves immediately beheaded on C-SPAN PPV.
~ ~ ~
See? Toldja it'd be fun.
Reality will be worse.
[h/t: Uncle]
posted by JASmius at 8:02 AM
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