Balance? We Don't Need No Steenking Balance!

Before this delectable little tidbit gets too stale, I have to get it on our record:

Q It's come to my attention that there's been requests - this is a serious question - to turn these TVs onto a station other than Fox, and that those have been denied. My question would be, is there a White House policy that all government TVs have to be tuned to Fox? [emphasis added]

This, BTW, was a question from a member of the White House press corps (aka the NeoBrat Pack) to Scott McClellen (aka Mr. Clean) aboard Air Force One. And the reporter knew it wasn't a serious question he was asking or he wouldn't have emphasized that it was. Or maybe he really meant it and is as paranoid (and pants-wettingly terrified of media balance) as he sounds.

Okay, roll the tape:

MR. McCLELLAN: Never heard of any such thing. My TVs are on four different channels at all times.

Q Because you have four different TVs. But every time I've ever been -

MR. McCLELLAN: Every TV in the White House also has channels every - has a split screen, where they can -

Q Well, they always seem to be tuned to Fox, and there's been requests, and these are paid for by taxpayer dollars. And my understanding is that you guys have to watch Fox on Air Force One. Is that true?

MR. McCLELLAN: First time I've ever heard of it. First time you've brought it to my attention, meaning the first time the press corps has brought it to my attention. In fact, I've watched other channels on here.

Q There's one -

MR. McCLELLAN: Hang on, Jim, come on. I've watched other channels on here, so I don't know where you're hearing that. But it's the first time anyone in the press has raised that question with me.

You know, if I had been McClellan at this moment, knowing that I was about to resign as White House press secretary anyway, I would have had some fun with this pompous ass. Add something like, "But now that you mention it, putting all our TVs on Fox wouldn't be a bad idea at that. Would be a lot less masochistic at the very least, and we'd probably get a better idea of what's going on in the country and the world than we ever do from those twisted looking glass channels they regularly thrash in the ratings."

On the other hand, it may be impossible to parody these people, or pull their legs with them ever realizing the joke:

Q You've watched other channels other than Fox?

Understand that McClellan's interlocutor still thinks he's being serious.

MR. McCLELLAN: On here, yes, sure.

Q I've never seen - they're always turned to Fox, which a lot of people consider a Republican-leaning network.

A lot of people like this reporter. Which, mercifully, isn't a lot of people - or a majority, anyway. Because he just wouldn't let this go:

Q Scott, is it one - on the airplane, is it one for all? I mean, if it's tuned for Fox here, is it Fox everywhere?

MR. McCLELLAN: I think that certain areas may be interconnected, but I'll have to double-check which.

Q Is yours off, wherever you are?

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, the conference room, or the senior staff office, the staff office, they're different TVs, and you can switch to different channels. I'm not sure if some of these in the back are connected to some of the others that are watching right here, right now. It doesn't look like it to me. I've never known anyone that's raised a complaint about a request from back here to watch a different channel.

Q I'm officially raising it and officially complaining about it.

How did McClellen contain himself by this time? Wasn't he incredulous? I would have been torn between telling this bellyacher to go pound sand, laughing in his face, and sweetly advising him to pay attention and maybe actually broaden his horizons for his own good.

Instead, McClellan indulged the whining - with predictable results:

MR. McCLELLAN: Well, I'm going to go see if we can change the channel for you. Have you called up?

Q I was the Fox victim, and I was told - the quote was, "No," when I asked for CNN.

The "Fox victim". He actually said, "the Fox victim."

It almost makes me wonder if it was the reporter who was playing the spoof on Mr. Clean. Read closely the remainder of the exchange:

MR. McCLELLAN: I don't know who you talked to, so - it didn't come to my attention. You don't know who you talked to either?

Q Well, the magic people at the other end of the phone.

MR. McCLELLAN: The magic people at the other end of the phone. Well, I'll see if this cabin is -

Q I was told, "We don't watch CNN here, you can only watch Fox."

MR. McCLELLAN: As I said, it's hard to respond to something when I don't know who it is you talked to.

Q I used the phone back here.

MR. McCLELLAN: I find this all quite amusing, to tell you the truth. I mean, there are a lot of people on this plane that do watch that channel.

Q I've never been told, no. They're such nice guys up there.

MR. McCLELLAN: First time you brought it to my attention. I'll go see what we can do on it.

Reporter X didn't know to whom he was speaking? "The magic people at the other end of the phone"? Who, Cosmo and Wanda? Maybe McClellan should have turned the press corps' tube to Nickelodeon instead. Or CBN.

To me that's either the tip-off to a rib or else these people are completely solipsistic self-parodies. Not to be too ironic, but seriously, can you picture any suffocatingly straight-laced Bushie telling a reporter that he can only watch Fox? That fits the "New Tone" like socks on a rooster.

Maybe McClellan was subtley signaling that he got the joke with his "I find this amusing" comment. But the reporter never did likewise. He just kept bitching and moaning until the outgoing press secretary delivered his Extreme Media propaganda fix. I guess they really don't have any senses of humor after all.

More's the pity. And what merriment the Scottster denied himself. Imagine the phone call he'd have gotten if he'd given this SOB Trinity Broadcasting Network instead. I heard last week was a Benny Hinn marathon. Woulda made Reporter X look like William Shatner in that old Twilight Zone episode. I can see it now: "Scott, I see Sean Hannity out on the wing! I swear to Hillary he's RIGHT THERE!! Can't you call the Secret Service or something?!?"

[H/T Double-M]