But Where's The Magic Hat, Senator?

There's a reason why John Kerry is a born United States Senator: whenever he speaks, it just oozes out as one gargantuan run-on sentence, like the lancing of a bottomless boil that sprays its insatiable pus in random directions, as if to ensure that no matter which way you dodge, you can't avoid getting some of it on you.

Add into that ingrained, if confused, pomposity (i.e. "I don't know what I'm talking about, but if I couch it in enough big words, it'll sound like I do. Or like something intelligent to the smelly, grubby mahsses, anyway...") his defeat in last November's presidential election, and you get...well, you get meandering screeds like this (courtesy of Hugh Hewitt):

"Forces..."

Hey, a military metaphor. You know what that means - Vietnam!, Vietnam!, Vietnam!

Well, perhaps this time he waited until he drew his second breath....

"...outside the mainstream now seem to effortlessly push Republican leaders toward conduct that the American people really don't want in their elected leaders..."

Isn't it pathetic how Kerry always has to talk about himself?

"...inserting the government into our private lives, injecting religion into debates about public policy where it doesn't apply."

Sayeth the man who spent practically every Sunday of last fall's campaign preaching sermons in one black church after another, all but making Jesus Christ the official Kerry-Edwards mascot.

"Jumping through hoops to ingratiate themselves to their party's base..."

In our dreams, maybe....

"...while step-by-step and day-by-day real problems that keep Americans up at night fall by the wayside here in Washington."

Yeah, millions of Americans lie awake every night, petrified that John Bolton is going to suddenly leap through their bedroom windows, plant his hands disapprovingly on his hips, and stick his tongue out at them.

"We each have to ask ourselves, 'Who's going to stop it? Who's going to stand up and say, 'Are we really going to allow this to continue?'"

"THEIR's NO NEED TO FEAR; BRAH-MAN IS HERE!"

"Are Republicans in the House going to continue spending the people's time defending Tom DeLay or they going to defend America and defend our democracy?"

From whom? The Democrats? How is that an "either/or" question?

"Will Republican senators let their silence endorse Senator Frist's appeal to religious division, or will they put principle ahead of partisanship and refuse to follow him across that line?"

Fristy needs your permission to speak to a core segment of his base support? Couldn't he ask, "Will Democrat senators let their silence endorse Senator Kerry's appeal to racial division," every time you speak at an NAACP function? Not that he would, you understand. It might hurt your feelings, and he'd just feel terrible if it did.

Besides, why do you need the active assistance of Republican senators in your party's endless barrage of invective and abuse against people of faith? You people coming down with collective laryngitis or something?

Please?

"Are we really willing to allow the Senate to fall in line with the Majority Leader when he invokes faith, faith, all of our faiths over here?"

"Faith, faith, all of our faiths over here?" Sounds like "Spam, lovely spam, wonderful spam..." Have you been listening to bootleg Monty Python tapes in the cloakroom again? Teraaaaaayza warned you about that....

"Joe Lieberman's a person of faith."

Yes, he is. You could learn a few things from him, if you ever bothered to show up for "work."

"Harry Reid's a person of faith."

Judging by his actions of late, I'd wager he's recently converted to a different one.

"And they don't believe we should rewrite the rules of the United States Senate..."

Not now. But they did not all that long ago. Is that what you call a "special dispensation" in the Church of the Poisoned Mind?

"...and we certainly shouldn't allow this issue of people who believe in the Constitution somehow challenging the faith of others in our nation."

You think Republicans believe in the Constitution, or you don't think your party should be allowed to challenge the faith of Christian evangelicals? How did we get on the Damascus Road all of a sudden? I thought you shined Boy Assad's shoes back in December.

"Are we going to allow the Majority Leader to invoke faith to rewrite Senate rules to put substandard, extremist judges on the bench?"

Aww, you're recanting already? Rarely has I John 2:18-19 been acted out with such alacrity.

"Is that where we are now? It is not up to us to tell any one of our colleagues what to believe as a matter of faith."

Other than that they better not publicly express it.

"I can tell you what I do believe though."

Okay, everybody, synchronize your stopwatches. The betting window for the cloakroom "flip-flop duration" pool is now closed.

"When you have got tens of thousands of innocent souls perished in Darfur..."

Which the UN might have been shamed into doing something about if we had a UN ambassador like ol' Walrus Face.

"...when 11 million children are without health insurance..."

So Jesus was really an insurance salesman? I don't recall Him ever saying, "Get up, pick up your bed and go home. But before you do, I have some forms for you to fill out in triplicate..."

"...when our colossal debt subjects our economic future to the whims of Asian bankers..."

What have you got against Asians? You might want to watch what you say about them; as much dough as your wife has, some of it must be in some Asian bank somewhere.

But, hey, we'll start swinging the budgetary meataxe if you will. That'd make you look like a lumberjack, wouldn't it? Well, one with a green eyeshade, anyway.

Sheesh, now we're back to Monty Python again....

"...no on can tell me that faith demands all of a sudden that you put the Senate into a position where it is going to pull itself apart over the question of a few judges."

Well, something is making your party do that, Senator.

Oh, before I forget, here's your copy of the Gospel According to George Soros. Funny that it comes as a little red book, though - I could have sworn that Gideon New Testaments were green....

"No one with those priorities has a right to use faith to intimidate anyone of us."

Senator, if you're intimidated by Republicans, it's a wonder you can make yourself get out from under the bed to use the john in the morning.

"John," get it? Your running mate? Li'l....

Oh, never mind.

Now where did I put my butterfly net?